SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE A REDNECK PAGAN

If any part of your invocation of the South Quarter includes any
lines from any song by Lynard Skynard....
If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb.....
If part of your rite includes throwing shotgun shells on the fire....
If the bell on your alter was ever worn by an animal in a pasture....
If the cakes and wine are done with a bowie-knife, a can of Foster's,
and a Little Debbie.....
If they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt contest....
If when your priestess says "Blessed Be" in circle, you respond
with "YEEE-HAW!"...
If you believe a pentagram is a Western Union message to 5 people....
If you bought your chalice at the Piggly Wiggly.....
If you buy your incense and candles at Wal-Mart....
If you call the God and Goddess by hollerin' "Hey, y'all! Watch
me!"....
If you carry your ritual sword in your pickup's gun rack.....
If you found out your familiar is an oppossum -- and still ate
it........
If you have combined Maypole Dancing/ Tractor Pull/ Turkey Shoot
for Beltane....
If you have cast a love spell on livestock....
If you've ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View
wrestling on TV....
If you've ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu.....
If you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg.....
If you sacrifice BBQ and pork rinds on an alter made of old car
hoods....
If you shoot guns into the air when the priestess says, "the circle is
open but never unbroken"...
If you smoke Salem cigarettes for the historical significance....
If you think a "family tradition" is a dating club....
If you worship the gods of cheap beer and Nascar....
If you've ever done a candle spell for your local high-school football
team....
If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed whacker.....
If you've ever meditated to "Dueling Banjos".....
If your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley.....
If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom......
If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod.....
If your altar cloth is a Confederate flag.....
If your altar has a spit cup.....
If your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the
"Hollywood Walk of Fame".....
If your annointing oil smells like Old Spice.....
If your broom has 4 wheel drive and SC plates.....
If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it....
If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube-top.....
If your circle dance is a two-step....
If your coven chose its High Priest at a belching contest....
If your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter"
and "Sweet Cheeks"....
If your craft name starts with "Bubba"......
If your familiar can point quail....
If your favorite Great Rite partner is your first, second, and third
cousin....
If your backyard ritual libation is brewed in an illegal backyard
still....
If your favorite painting of the Goddess gives her hair like Rheba
McEntire....
If your maiden sweeps the circle with a weed whacker....
If your most sacred altar items include a hubcap, a velvet painting of
Elvis, and a half-empty can of chaw.....
If your outdoor circle has defunct washing machines for quarter
altars....
If your pantheon includes Yukon Jack, Jim Beam and the St. Pauli
Girl..
If your ritual music has ever included Johnny Cash singing "Ring of
Fire"....
If your robes are made out of denim with Harley Davidson patches...

...Well, you might just be a redneck pagan!