Wednesday, February 28, 2007
2-28
Just A Thougt:
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Wife to husband while fishing: "I don't know, it still seems to me that the boot you caught yesterday put up more of a fight than that inner tube you caught today."
Thought for the day:
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Directions to His House:
Make a Right onto Believeth Blvd.
Keep straight and go through the Green Light,
which is Jesus Christ.
From there, you must turn onto the Bridge of Faith,
which is over troubled water.
When you get off the bridge, make a Right turn and
Keep Straight.
You are on the King's Highway - Heaven Bound.
Keep going for three miles: One for the Father, One
for the Son, and One for the Holy Ghost.
Then exit off onto Grace Blvd.
From there, make a Right turn on Gospel Lane.
Keep Straight and then make another Right on Prayer
Blvd.
As you go on your way, Yield Not to the traffic of
Temptation Ave.
Also, avoid SIN Street because it is a DEAD END.
Pass up Envy Drive, and Hate Avenue.
Also, pass Hypocrisy Street, Gossiping Lane, and
Backbiting Blvd.
But you have to go down Long-suffering Lane,
Persecution Blvd., and Trials and Tribulations Ave.
But that's alright, because, VICTORY Blvd. is straight ahead!
How Do Elderly Ladies Decorates Their Matrimonial Ad's......
"I am a recent widow who just buried husband # 4. Looking for someone to round out a six-unit burial plot. Dizziness, fainting, or shortness of breath are not a problem."
"A solitude liking female, enjoys long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,take out our hearing aids and enjoy some quiet time together."
"I'm an unattractive yet fashion-conscious, blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'3" (used to be 5'5", searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and white belt a definite plus."
"Female, 1932 model, high mileage but in very good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, and valves. Not in running condition, but walks well."
Human Race Doomed?
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods
On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how...?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."
(OOPS ---- Too Late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows the day...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save even more time?)
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after
taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what other uses?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious - what other use???.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere???)
"Lord, I love you and I need you, come into my heart, and bless me, my family, my home, and my friends, in Jesus' name. Amen."
God bless.
May today there be peace within you. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. "I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
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